


Fight Dirty With Me

by andchaos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Getting Together, Implied Sexual Content, MWPP Era, Marauders, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 08:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1598627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andchaos/pseuds/andchaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was standing in a hallway making out with the love of his best friend’s life. This was the first time he actually believed his mother’s charming assertions that he was going to hell.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In which James and Sirius always play dirty and Lily gets caught in the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fight Dirty With Me

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for boys being slightly degrading about girls and for lots of crude language

Sirius Black was good at a lot of things. Namely, hexing underclassmen, landing detentions, and getting under people’s skin.

          He had some moral limits; for instance, he pretty much never went after his best friends when he was preparing to screw someone over for kicks, because if he’d learned anything from having the snarkiest jerk-ass of a little brother and the smarmiest, stuck-up asshole pair of parents in the multiverse, it was how to stay loyal to the few people who were willing to stay beside you through the mess of your childhood. Most of his relatives fell under the category of screwing up his life; his friends were the ones who made it distinctly better. So he usually kept them off-limits when planning his next bout of pranks and mischief.

          He entered Charms one morning with his usual amount of swagger, throwing his bag underneath a seat between James and Remus and swinging his own body over the back of it, plopping down in the middle. James greeted him in their usual fashion, a makeshift handshake they invented back in second year, and then he swiveled the other way.

          “’Sup, Moony,” he said, his grin toothy and self-satisfied, as always.

          “Mmm,” said Remus vaguely, scribbling out a few words in the essay he was writing and then continuing his quick scrawl. His nose was bent so close to the tabletop that the tip had a black speck on the end where it had rubbed across freshly-laid ink.

          Sirius leaned closer to his friend.

          “Look,” he said, getting right to it. “I need a favor.”

          “Don’t you always?” said Remus, barely glancing at him. “What is it now?”

          Sirius ignored the jab. “Pair up with Prongs for lessons today, okay?”

          Remus finally blinked up at him, raising his head and stilling his hand. “What? You want to work with Peter?”

          It wasn’t said unkindly; Peter Pettigrew might have been an indivisible part of their makeshift crew, but only on a technicality after years of sticking to the three of them like glue. They’d mostly ignored him at first—except for Remus, the flesh-eating werewolf with manners to rival the Pope—but after worming his way into all of their conversations for months, they’d eventually had to start talking back. They had wound up realizing that he was kind of okay, for an obsessive, self-loathing idiot. But honestly, if Sirius had to rate his friends by how much he liked them, James would be top of the list and Remus would uncontestably hold second place. None of them ever mentioned that Peter was bottom of the barrel, but everyone knew it anyway.

          Sirius shook his head, his hair flopping over his face in a way that was somehow both graceful and attractive. “Pawn him off, Moony. I’m working an angle.”

          Remus raised an eyebrow in mild disinterest as Sirius turned around and nodded toward the front of the room, directing Remus’s gaze to a pretty Hufflepuff, her blonde hair in double braids over her shoulders. She was relatively innocent, relatively naïve. Sirius was like a dog who wanted to catch a rabbit.

          “Sirius, no.” Remus’s voice was stern, allowing no argument. When Sirius turned back to him, he saw that his face was set, the lines of his cheeks and forehead harsher than normal. He threw a pout his way that did nothing to soften his features.

          “ _Moony_ —”

          “Seriously? Even for you, that’s low. She’s only ever had one boyfriend and she barely even kissed him for the entirety of those seventh months.”

          “Yeah, but I’m digging the crazy virgin vibe,” said Sirius, grinning in an animalistic fashion. “I bet she’s wild in the sack.”

          “That’s disgusting,” James chimed in from his other side. Sirius turned to him, hurt and betrayal written all over his face. James held up a hand before he finished, “Rena Abbott’s never even touched herself. You’ll have to corrupt her first. But I bet she’d be so nervous that she’d let you do anything.”

          “Anything?” asked Sirius, raising his eyebrows with renewed interest.

          Remus rolled his eyes and returned to his paper, recognizing that he’d lost them.

          “Anything,” James confirmed, matching his smirk. “Or anyone. Simultaneously. Say…Cami?”

          “Cami,” Sirius breathed, caught up in the imagery for a second. “Yeah. Cami’d be wild.” He turned suddenly to James. “You think she’d be into it?”

          “Cami’s into everyone,” he said, waving his hand disinterestedly and picking up his wand to twirl it between his fingers. “She’s a…uh…”

          “Omnisexual,” Remus supplied, not looking up from his parchment. “But don’t exploit—”

          “Morals, morals, blah blah blah,” Sirius interrupted, not even looking at him.

          Remus huffed and returned to his work, too sick of their banter from so many years with them to bother trying to corral or pay attention to them.

          James stifled laughter against his hand and tapped his wand against Sirius’s hand, switching his ring from silver to gold and back again.

          They quieted down some when Flitwick entered, but he just gave them a few minutes of basic instruction and then set them loose. James immediately turned to Sirius to partner up, but Sirius looked away and gestured towards Rena. Her face lit up in a wide smile at his attention and she nodded, jumping up, gathering her books, and joining him, sitting down across the table.

          “Hi!” she said, waving at the four of them.

          “Hiya,” said Sirius, nodding at her flirtatiously so that she giggled.

          James glared between the two of them, then hit Sirius on the shoulder. “Er, Padfoot, can I have a word?”

          “I’m a little—”

          James jerked at his shoulder so that he followed him a little ways away from the table. Rena stared after them, confused, until Remus engaged her in conversation to spare her.

          “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” asked James, punching him in the arm.

          He gripped the injury tightly and glared back at his best friend. “Ow! What the fuck, Prongs?”

          “You’re ditching me to gain some tail? Not cool!”

          “Calm down, jackass. I’m not leaving you to become her best fuckin’ friend. I just wanna hit that sweet, tight, innocent little—”

          James hit him again, and again, then jammed his fists into his pockets while Sirius punched him once and then rubbed his own arm.

          “I’ll get you back for this, fuckface,” James hissed, slipping thumbs through the belt loops on his jeans.

          “Fight me, bitch,” said Sirius, smirking.

          James raised one eyebrow, then pushed past him and stole Sirius’s seat, turning to capture Remus’s attention and start practicing the spell.

          Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed the back of James’s seat instead, then spun the chair around and swung his legs over it, folding his arms over the back of it. Rena smiled slightly at him and scooted her chair over, pushing her bag and books over to be in front of him instead of James.

          She was almost comically bad at the Protean Charm, not getting the swish of her wand correct and garbling the pronunciation of the uncommonly long incantation.

          “Can you demonstrate again?” she asked, frowning and slumping forwards onto the table.

          Sirius smiled and raised his wand over the first page of print, and as he swung his wand to the right and did a complicated twist in midair over the second piece of parchment, he said confidently, _“Unusquisque in ludicro primam!”_

          His spellwork wasn’t perfect; only about half of the transcription transferred over to the blank sheet, but it was better than nothing. Despite his partial success, Rena stared up at him with awe, as though he were the most brilliant student in the school. Sirius wasn’t arguing.

          “I’ll help you,” he offered, waggling his eyebrows so that she had to duck her head to hide her blush. He leaned over the table to capture her wrist and slowly guided it through the air in the motion of the spell. Afterwards, when he set her arm down, he tried to teach her the incantation, which of course required a lot of hand-to-mouth contact. He reached over and settled a finger over the dip in her bottom lip, helping her form the syllables.

          “Please keep it PG, Mr Black,” said Flitwick as he scurried past them down the aisle.

          James threw a smirk his way, Remus just rolled his eyes again, and Peter glanced over at him with evident jealousy.

          “Busted,” James murmured, grinning at him.

          Sirius grimaced and nodded over at Remus. “Hit him for me, Moony.”

          Remus leaned over and smacked James on the back of his head. Then, when Sirius started to guffaw, he reached to slap him, too.

          “Moony!” they both shouted. He shrugged.

          Sirius shook his head and turned back to Rena, making sure to settle back on a flirtatious smile. He raised his eyebrow and reached across the desk, stroking fingers down her wrist and forearm. She giggled again against her free hand and stretched her hand out, giving him more canvas to trace. He did so, smirk growing.

          “Show me your spellwork!” Flitwick butted in, appearing beside their pushed-together desks. “Mr Potter, you first.”

          James’s copy of the paper was almost perfect, except for a few spelling errors. Peter went next, and was almost instantaneously assigned extra homework to practice the charm for tomorrow’s class. Remus’s was, of course, perfect. Sirius’s was more or less the same as James’s, no spelling errors but missing a few sentences. Rena’s was awful, only slightly better than Peter’s, and she was given the same expectations as he was. As soon as Flitwick walked away, Sirius propped his elbow on the desk and rested his head on his hand.

          “I can tutor you, if you want,” he offered, waving his wand over her parchment so that _8 o’clock, unused classroom on the ground floor_ appeared in his languid scrawl. He tore off the corner of parchment and held it out to her, trapped between his index and middle finger. James glanced over just as Rena took the note and dropped it into her pocket. Sirius and Rena shared a smile, heavy with implication.

 

~*~

 

Ever the opportunist, Sirius dressed without his uniform under his robe that evening. He left a button undone, not enough to get reprimanded for failing to follow the dress code, but leaving the smallest bit of skin showing so that, hopefully, Rena would be tempted to forgo the lesson altogether.

          He was running about ten minutes late, so he popped another button on the way down the main staircase, confident that his own body would be a sufficient apology.

          He slouched his way to the door in the same manner that he always walked, one hand in the pocket of his robes, the other twirling his wand around his index finger. He shoved open the door with an extremely loud,

          “Alright, Miss Abbott, are you ready to—What the fuck?”

          Rena rolled off of the body underneath her, sitting up beside him and twirling one of her half-undone braids, the hair fraying out of its hold. The boy beside her pushed himself up, leaning back on his hands and staring up at Sirius with a huge grin and hair even messier than usual.

          “Hey, Padfoot,” said James, scratching a hand through his hair and then running it down Rena’s arm. Sirius grimaced and turned to Rena instead.

          “What the hell, Abbott? We were going to study.”

          “Show me what’s under your robes and we’ll see if you planned on studying,” said James, smirking.

          “Fuck you,” said Sirius, glaring at him. “We’re officially not talking.”

          “What are you, a preteen girl?” scoffed James. “Chill out. I just noticed that poor Rena was in here all alone so I decided to keep her company, since you were obviously too busy to come down on time.”

          Sirius strode forward and got a grip on James’s forearm, then hauled him to his feet. He dragged him out of the room, now completely ignoring Rena. Once out in the entrance hall, Sirius slammed James up against the wall beside the Gryffindor hourglass, a forearm against his throat to stop him from struggling too badly. After writhing for a few seconds, James ceased squirming, merely pressed himself harder against the wall and snarled at him.

          “What the _fuck_ , Prongs?” said Sirius lowly.

          James hesitated, then looked down. His cheeks turned a little red, which Sirius noted.

          “Why’d you do it?” asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow. “It was for something really stupid, wasn’t it?”

          James took a couple of seconds to mouth wordlessly before managing to choke out, “Bros before hos, man!”

          Sirius pulled his arm away from James’s neck, a laugh bubbling up from his stomach. It hit his throat, then began to pass his lips in short bursts until he was doubled over laughing hysterically with his hands on his knees. James stared down at him, until it started to enter the territory of “way too long” and he had no choice but to start laughing, too, still a little red in the face from displeasure.

          “Did you try to screw the girl I was after because I refused to team up with you in Charms? Dude.”

          “Bros before hos!”

          “Right,” said Sirius slowly, narrowing his eyes. Obviously James was incapable of saying anything intelligent. “Well, how else was I supposed to get her alone? I needed to lay some groundwork! You know all about groundwork, don’t you?”

          “Fuck off,” said James, but it was without any real heat. “Don’t talk about Evans like she’s just some chase, alright?”

          Sirius paused. “You really care about her?”

          James shrugged, flushing red again. His hand went to the back of his neck. “Yeah. She’s…”

          “Perfect.”

          “Yeah,” he said, shrugging again.

          “No, I meant…that’s perfect,” said Sirius. “That’s just great. Really top-notch for me.”

          “Wait. What?”

          Sirius laughed and clapped James on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got plans.”

          “That would be what I’m worried about,” said James, rolling his eyes.

          Sirius thought about it for a second, then jerked his head to the side in an affirming gesture. “Yeah, you probably should be. I’ll see you around though. You should probably go back in and comfort Rena. You’ll need the post-coitus cuddling.”

          James shouted a few condescending jeers at his back as he walked away, smirking to himself and hustling up the stairs.

          Sirius opted to go to bed rather than implementing his plans that night. He wanted to sit on his intentions for awhile before going through with them, as even he could recognize that his half-formed ideas were risky at best and completely improbable no matter what.

          The following morning found the NEWT students in his Herbology class with a free period, as it had rained all the previous night and someone had opened all of the greenhouse windows. The entire place was soaked and the floor was covered in mud and unhappy plants, so Professor Sprout had given them the morning off while she attempted to restore order to her precious arboretum. As Remus had shut off Sirius’s enchanted alarm clock upon realizing that lessons were canceled and they had free period afterwards, Sirius awoke at half-past eleven, rubbing sleep from his eyes and yawning spectacularly.

          James grinned at him from the four-poster bed directly across from him.

          “Alright, Padfoot?” he asked. He was stuffing chocolates into his mouth from a box that his parents had delivered last weekend; Sirius held up one hand and James threw one at him. Sirius bit into it, mouth flooding with the caramel inside of the little treat.

          “I’m almost awake,” said Sirius, yawning again. “Did you save me breakfast?”

          “I haven’t let you starve yet,” replied James. He turned to root around in the drawer beside his bed before a few moments, then tossed something else across the room. Sirius caught it easily and barely spared the object a glance before biting into it.

          “You got anything less healthy?” asked Sirius, making a face at the Gala apple in his palm.

          “Depends. D’you have a less bitchy version of yourself?”

          “What’re the odds,” said Sirius, shrugging. He decided to let it go, knowing that he intended to be a jackass today, so he would end up with the last word anyway. Instead, he bit into the fruit again. “Where’s Sparky and Wormfood?”

          “You’re Sparky, dumbass,” said James, picking up a book, settling back onto his pillows, and flicking through to a specific page. “Sparky’s a dog.”

          “Then what the fuck d’you call a wolf-man?”

          “I don’t know. The Big Bad?”

          Sirius stared at him for a few seconds. He snorted and shook his head. “You’re such an idiot.”

          “Fine. Uhh, Beowolf? That’s a thing, right?”

          “That’s Beo _wulf_ ,” Remus interceded, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. “And he’s a tragic hero, not a wolf. You could try Quentin Collins.”

          “Who?” the dark-haired boys asked simultaneously.

          Remus threw them a withering glance as though they were the two most simple people on the planet. “David Selby? _Dark Shadows_? Ringing any bells?”

          They both squinted at him, lost.

          “When the fuck’d you get into Muggle pop culture?” asked Sirius finally. “The chick who owned the flat next to me last summer was totally into it. Blasting the fucking thing through all hours of the day and night. Gods, I think she bought the fucking soundtrack.” He paused to hum a few bars, then pulled a face. After another few seconds, he brightened, turning to James with a cheeky smile. “She shut up mid-August, though. I traded services for volume control.”

          Remus, still hovering in the doorway, raised an eyebrow. “Wholesome services?”

          “I’m offended!” said Sirius, clapping a hand over his heart. “Don’t you know me at all?”

          “Is that a no?” he asked. His voice was still calm and measured; he probably spent too much time around the pair of them to be bothered by anything anymore.

          “Can I get a bit of sympathy if I say that she once made me wear her panties for a full twenty-four hours?”

          James fell over laughing across the room, and even Remus’s unfazed expression cracked into a partial smile.

          “No,” he said, chuckling and shaking his head.

          “Then that never happened,” said Sirius, cheeks tinting rose.

          “Did you like it?” James stage-whispered.

          “Can’t like what I never did,” said Sirius, but he winked, and James laughed even harder. Remus rolled his eyes and took the opportunity to vacate the room, slamming the door shut behind him and leaving them to it.

          “So,” said James, throwing a piece of chocolate up in the air and catching it in his mouth when it fell back down, “What are we gonna do today? We’ve got class in an hour and a half, but—”

          “I’ve got plans,” said Sirius, throwing his blanket off of him and planting his feet on the floor beside the bed.

          “What plans?” said James indignantly.

          Sirius wriggled out of his flannel bottoms and tugged trousers over his legs instead. “Secret plans. Evil plans.”

          “Yeah, you’re terrifying,” he yawned, snuggling back underneath his sheets. “Alright, fine, Salazar. Come find me when you realize that the dark side burns their cookies.”

          Sirius smirked as he finished buttoning up his robes. “Don’t act like that,” he chided. “I’m not the only sadistic one in the room. But I may be the cruelest.”

          “What are you talking about?” asked James, lifting the pillow he had covering his head and ears.

          Sirius ignored him until he got to the door, at which point he turned around, one hand on the knob.

          “How was Rena?”

          James peeked out from under the pillow, smirking. “I was right. She’ll let you do anything.”

          “That’s wonderful,” said Sirius crisply, and he exited without another word.

 

The common room was full of students when he got down the stairs, but none of them were the one for which he was looking. The staircases were in a similar state, and when he got down to the Great Hall, he found it nearly empty. A quick glance around told him all he needed to know, but he dropped by the Ravenclaw table to flirt with Jing Chang and steal a piece of her toast before he left and went to search outside.

          He found her by the Black Lake, over by an albino redwood that he knew she loved. In the long line of girls with her, she was furthest to the right, directly underneath the snow-colored tree’s branches, the only one with any measure of shade against the baking sun. He supposed that, with her exceptionally fair skin, she could use the shadows.

          “Hey, darling,” he drawled. “Can I have a word?”

          “Fuck off, Sirius,” Lily said lightly. She planted her hands on the ground beside her hips and pivoted to look at him. She eyed him up and down with disinterest, then sniffed and turned back to the water. She swung her feet a little under the surface of the lake.

          He ignored Mary McDonald, who was smiling at him. They had an on and off relationship that was mainly comprised of calling one another into bed when one of them was drunk, but he didn’t have the time for that now.

          “It involves pissing off James Potter,” he offered.

          Lily turned around again and arched an eyebrow. “You’ve caught my attention,” she said guardedly when he didn’t elaborate.

          He offered her a hand up; she glared at him for a solid half minute before she sighed, flipped her long hair over one shoulder, and grabbed his wrist. He wrapped his fingers around hers as well and hauled her to her feet.

          “M’lady,” he said, grinning cheekily and gesturing for her to precede him. She rolled her eyes and started to walk, jerking away from the guiding hand he tried to place against her lower back.

          “Hands to yourself, Black,” she snapped as she led him into the small copse of trees.

          “As you wish,” he said, smirking.

          She walked fast, but his legs were longer and he matched her stride easily. She did not speak until they had passed a few trees, and when she came to a tall one with long branches and big leaves, she started to climb. Nonplussed, Sirius followed. She seemed practiced and at ease in the large tree, like she had done this a million times before, so Sirius took the hand- and footholds she used until they reached the very top. When he broke through the top layer of leaves, she was sitting on a branch of questionable stability, but she seemed at ease, swinging her legs and staring off to the side. The wind whipped tendrils of wavy red hair across her face, but she made no move to push it away. Sirius settled in a slightly sturdier-looking branch a few feet below her.

          “What’s with the hideout?” he asked when he felt relatively safe in his position.

          She looked down at him and shrugged.

          “Ashamed to be seen with the likes of me?” he teased, a little proud that he might be the kind of kid that her parents had warned her about as a child.

          “There’s no need. Everyone knows you’re a git, and I’m not,” she said calmly. “I could hang out with you on the daily and that wouldn’t change.”

          “Cheeky. I like you.”

          “Wish I could say the same,” she said, but she was smiling a little. Then her expression turned abruptly serious. “You say you want to bother Potter?”

          “All business, aren’t you?” he said, brushing a hand through his hair. “Fine. Yeah, I want to piss off James.”

          “Why?” Her eyes narrowed distrustfully.

          “Because he betrayed me. Now I need to get him back in a similar but slightly crueler manner.”

          “Boys amaze me,” said Lily, watching him with one eyebrow cocked. He shrugged, smiling. “What does this have to do with me?”

          “Ahh…right,” said Sirius, hesitantly. “Now, before you say no—”

          “Your chances are good,” Lily interrupted. “The leverage you’ve got is phenomenal.”

          “Right. Well, we need to sleep together.”

          “ _Excuse_ me?” she snapped, glaring down at him from her perch.

          “Or, we need to make him think we slept together,” Sirius amended quickly, quelled slightly by the force of her glare. “You know. To get back at him.” His voice was small as he finished the explanation.

          “What did he do to you to make you try to get with me?” asked Lily, eyes widening.

          “Can’t tell you that, Red. Solidarity of brothers and all that.”

          “But what could be so bad that you’re after his chase of seven years?”

          Sirius watched her for a second. Only when her expression softened somewhat did he say, “You’re not just a chase to him, you know. He really cares about you. He’s just an idiot.”

          “I knew that much,” she sighed, swinging her legs again. “It must have been really bad for you to come after me, in that case.”

          “My lips are sealed,” he said, miming zipping his mouth closed with one hand, the other keeping him balanced on the bark.

          “But—”

          “It’s one thing to take an eye for an eye and a whole other to betray his trust,” said Sirius.

          Lily shook her head. “Boys amaze me,” she repeated.

          Sirius sighed. “Will you do it or not?”

          “Depends,” she said. “What do I have to do?”

 

“Why the hell are we hiding in an empty hallway?” asked Lily, glaring at him like he was the biggest idiot she knew. He probably was.

          It was a few days after their discussion in a tree. They were pressed up against one another, too close to allow any movement, and even fidgeting was awkward. Their robes were open, and he could feel every ridge and dip in her slightly smaller body, as she was arched up into him. It was an awkward position only because they weren’t actually doing anything, but he was ready to move at a moment’s notice.

          “It’s a shortcut,” he explained for the fifth time. He brushed a strand of hair from her cheek; she slapped his hand away. “James usually comes through here on his way to class. Which should be any second now.”

          “Why aren’t _you_ in class?”

          “Kettleburn hates me,” he said blithely. “Bit wonky, really. James acts up more than I do in that class, and he _loves_ him! Bloody teacher’s pet.”

          “You’re jealous,” she said, grinning.

          “Nothing to be jealous about. He can have all the teachers he wants. I’m the one in a deserted hallway with the pretty girl he’s loved since he was eleven.”

          Lily froze, drawing away from him and back into the wall.

          “What?” she whispered.

          “Huh?”

          “He’s in love with me?” she repeated, eying him closely. “Like, in _love_ with me? He’s not just having me on as some fucked-up competition with himself to get me to cave?”

          Sirius started to answer, not sure what he was going to say to make up for divulging that particular piece of information, but then he heard footsteps.

          “Someone’s coming!” he hissed.

          Lily jumped forward and wound her arms around his neck as he seized her face between his hands and drew her mouth up to his.

          Kissing Lily was…nice, he supposed. Her lips were soft and tasted vaguely of coconut, but it wasn’t really any different than the other kisses he’d had. To his surprise, she parted his lips before he could do the same, but he met her tongue with his nonetheless.

          Dear god. He was standing in a hallway making out with the love of his best friend’s life. This was the first time he actually believed his mother’s charming assertions that he was going to hell.

          He hitched her leg up around his waist and pressed her back into the stones behind her. She growled against his lips, but when he broke away long enough to mutter, “It’s either imply we’re about to shag or actually get caught doing it. Your choice,” she acquiesced, running her fingers through his hair, finding a decent clump of it, and tugging just to the right side of too hard.

          Someone came around the corner.

          “I’m so sorry!” they squeaked.

          Sirius and Lily jumped apart and looked around. The girl they found was tiny, probably a first year, or second at most. Her sandy blonde hair was tied up in double braids down her back. She was clutching books her to chest and she looked absolutely mortified.

          “It’s okay,” said Lily gently, starting to approach. “We’re sorry, we shouldn’t be doing this out in the open.”

          She spent the next few minutes giving the poor girl directions. When the kid scurried off, Lily sighed and returned to Sirius’s side.

          “This is an awful idea, you know,” she said.

          “I don’t know,” he said, sweeping some of the hair off of her shoulder. “I get to get back at James _and_ kiss a pretty girl? Seems like a win-win to me.”

          “You’re such an idiot,” she said, laughing and shoving him off of her. However, the exact next second, more footsteps pounded against the stone floor, heavier than the last ones. Lily immediately turned and pulled on Sirius’s collar, bringing him down to her eye level and dragging him back into another kiss. She pushed him back until he leaned against the wall, encircling her waist with his arms so that she fell against him, one hand on his chest, the other on the wall beside his head, for balance. When his tongue prodded her lips, she opened them, letting him lick along the roof of her mouth and against her tongue.

          When he slipped a hand up the side of her thigh and under her skirt, however, she grabbed his arm, halting him. She pulled back just enough to glare at him.

          “What do you think you’re doing?” she whispered. “You do realize that I’m in the perfect position to knee you in the crotch, right?”

          “You sure you want to?” he asked. When she furrowed her brow, angry and confused, he slipped his free hand off her waist and pulled her hand from underneath his shirt.

          She flushed. “It’s instinctual,” she snapped, but her face was too red for her sharp words to have any real bite.

          Sirius smirked. She rolled her eyes and wrapped one hand over the back of his neck, pulling him back down to her lips. Her hand was still over his on her leg, not letting him move further up but not pulling him away from her, either.

          The footsteps finally rounded the corner; Sirius wanted to look up but resisted, at least until someone shouted,

          “Black! Evans! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

          Lily jumped back, horrified.

          “Professor!” she said, hastily straightening her robes and hair. “Please, Professor, we weren’t—”

          “I know exactly what you were doing, Miss Evans,” said McGonagall. “Contrary to what many of my first years seem to think, I was not, as they say, born yesterday. As Head Girl, I frankly expected better from you. Since this is your first offense, I’m letting you off with a warning. Now get out of here immediately.”

          Lily flushed, looked down, and hurried away. McGonagall turned to Sirius then; she waved a finger threateningly in his face.

          “Mr Black, I don’t know what you said to that girl to convince her that this was a good idea—”

          “We were just messing around,” he said innocently. “See, James really hurt me the other night—”

          “I don’t want to hear whatever sob story you’ve cooked up,” said McGonagall, her mouth a thin line. “Five points from Gryffindor, and I’ll be seeing you in Saturday detention. Again.”

          Sirius shrugged. “I’m used to it,” he sighed.

          McGonagall gestured him angrily out of the corridor, and Sirius thought it best to follow the line of her finger out onto the main staircases.

          To his surprise, Lily was waiting for him, leaning against the wall beside the entrance to the hidden shortcut. When he climbed out of the portrait, she pushed away from the wall and fell into step with him as he started for Gryffindor Tower.

          “I told you that a horrible plan,” she said lightly, hitching her bag higher over her shoulder. “Bad luck not seeing Potter, though.”

          “Do mine ears deceive me?” asked Sirius, grinning. “Is this you actually wanting to see James Potter?”

          “Shut up,” she said, shoving him in the shoulder so that he stumbled against the railing of the staircase. “You know what I mean.”

          “Not really, Lilykins,” he said in his best innocent voice. “All I know is that you seemed pretty chuffed when I let slip he loved you—”

          “I was not! I was just surprised, is all. He’s still an arrogant berk about it, however he’s feeling. I don’t owe him anything.”

          “Is that guilt I detect in your tone, Miss Evans?”

          “I’m not sure; I’ve never felt guilty over Potter. What about you? You’re the one who’s been snogging his chase-love-thing in an empty corridor. Some best friend.”

          “He deserved it,” Sirius snapped. “What do _you_ know about it? You don’t know anything about him. At least I have a reason when I’m being a prick.”

          “He’s a prick to me all the time!” Lily shouted.

          “No, he’s an idiot because he’s besotted. I don’t get it myself. I mean, you might be a looker, but fuck if you aren’t the iciest girl in school.”

          As his stride increased, she rushed to keep up with him.

          “What am I _supposed_ to do when he’s hexing all my friends and asking me out at the top of his lungs in front of the whole bloody school? Swoon like all his other little pets and fall into his arms?”

          “You could give him a chance!” Sirius shouted back, stopping abruptly so that she almost walked into him, and whirling around to face her. After glaring for a few seconds, his tone softened, even if his expression did not. “Think about it, Evans. When’s the last time you saw him act like that?”

          She didn’t answer, but a thoughtful look crossed her face, like she was considering it. Sirius snorted and answered for her.

          “Since he became Head Boy. He’s trying to grow up, Evans. Maybe you should stop snogging his best friend just to spite him and grow up with him.”

          Sirius felt extremely satisfied when he walked off this time. Especially because, when he reached the end of the corridor and inquired something of a third year around the corner, she confirmed that Lily was standing a little ways down, brow furrowed and looking lost.

 

She had said that she didn’t feel guilty, that everything was as it had always been, but that was a lie. Sirius saw it in the way she smiled slightly at James in the corridors; in how, when James would call, “Alright, Evans?” in the middle of the entrance hall, she wouldn’t snap at him as usual, but nod tersely. When it was sunny out she would even sometimes respond, shouting back, “I’m fine.” The replies were never long-winded, but they were there. James would always have a bounce in his step for hours after these almost-exchanges, a smile on his face instead of a smirk. Sirius wanted to kick himself at how tremendously his plan had backfired.

          Until, one day, it didn’t.

          “What the fuck.”

          Sirius looked up from the Exploding Snap game he was playing with Peter and into James’s shadowy face.

          James’s voice was low, steady. Sirius sighed; he’d been expecting this since that kid ran off while him and Lily were going at it in that empty corridor. If there’s anything that Hogwarts students can do better than magic, it’s gossip.

          “I suppose you want to have a chat outside?” said Sirius. Peter glanced between them uneasily.

          “If you would,” said James in an over-polite tone. Quidditch Captain and Head Boy to boot, James apparently wanted to keep his cool in front of their peers.

          Sirius sighed and thrust his cards into Remus’s chest, who startled but took Sirius’s place in the game while he followed James out of the common room. James was silent as he kept walking, and it was a tremendously awkward journey all the way downstairs to the entrance hall and out the doors onto the lawn. The air was charged with anger; Sirius could practically smell it while they walked. He tried not to feel even remotely guilty, but remorse was seeping through the cracks in his satisfaction.

          Out on the grass in the dark, James finally turned around to face him, hands on his hips in a remarkably Lily-esque gesture. Sirius spent the next minute of silent glaring to muse over how bad his best friend had it for this fiery girl.

          “Your silence and lack of confusion makes me think you were actually stupid enough to do it,” James said finally, everything about him harsh, from his voice to the set of his handsome features.

          Sirius shoved one hand deep in his pockets. “No idea what you’re talking about,” he said airily. Good. Never incriminate yourself in an argument.

          “You _slept_ with _Lily_?” said James, more of a statement than a question. “Are you _mental_?”

          “I did not!” he said indignantly. “We just kissed! Once!”

          “What the _fuck_? That’s…that’s base treachery! I could revoke your Marauder status for this!”

          “You wouldn’t,” Sirius said lowly, eyes narrowing.

          “I might,” said James, stepping closer and glowering right back.

          As these glaring matches were known to go on for hours, and once, back in fourth year, lasted for nearly a week, Sirius decided to back down first. He threw up his hands and shouted, “I only did it because you made it with Rena!”

          James staggered back like Sirius had hexed him, but Sirius knew better than to fall for his wounded expression; James had a reputation for histrionics. “That’s not the same thing and you know it,” James said through clenched teeth.

          “You’re just miffed that I managed to snag her in less than four hours flat and you’ve been out of luck for almost seven years,” Sirius said coolly.

          James pointed an accusing finger at him and jabbed him in the chest. “I’m pissed that you would think that me shagging your girl of the week is _anything_ like you making out with Lily Evans! You, more and anyone, know how I feel about her.”

          “Too well,” said Sirius darkly. The poetry incident of fifth year was still branded into his skull. He was just lucky that only he had been there to witness it and had managed to burn all the papers before James could deliver them.

          Finally, he sighed, more guilt oozing out of his wall of smugness. He wanted to make it up to James before his conscious insisted that he actually apologize, a horrifying thought that he has never in his life even considered.

          “Fine,” he bit out. “What can I do to make it right?”

          James smirked, crossing his arms. “I was hoping you would ask me that.”

 

“No.”

          Sirius crossed his arms, alone with his best friend in the middle of an empty hallway. Why did he always manage to find himself in horrible situations in the middle of empty hallways?

          “Yes,” said James, raising one eyebrow. He points his wand at Sirius threateningly. “Or we can go with option two, which in case you’ve forgotten means I get five free hexes of my choice, which can be used at any time and do not have to come with a warning, and you are not allowed to retaliate. So. Which would you rather it be?”

          Sirius growled, “Fine,” and snatched the potion out of James’s hand. “You do realize it’ll still be me under there, right?”

          “Try not to talk,” said James. “I’ll be fine.”

          “Yeah, well I won’t be,” said Sirius fingering the bottle nervously. “Why can’t you just find some random girl?”

          “I’m not going there again,” said James. “Not after—”

          “Alright, alright!” Sirius cut him off. He didn’t even want to _think_ about The Incident We Swore We Were Never Going to Mention Ever Again. “Fine, I’ll do it! Fuck, but I’m closing my eyes.”

          “You know I turn you on,” said James, grinning.

          Sirius flipped him off before pinching his nose and throwing the potion down bottoms-up, his head tipped back. He spluttered when it was over and dropped the empty bottle, where it shattered on the flagstone floor. James swore and started berating him for breaking his last one, but Sirius was too busy doubling over and considering puking to pay attention.

          When the pain and the nausea finally passed, Sirius stood upright again. He felt tremendously off-balance as he glared up at James. Glared _up_ at him.

          “Fuck me, I’ve never been shorter than you before,” he griped. He felt unsteady on his own feet, the sudden appearance of a larger chest making him wobble as James shoved better-fitting robes at him and he tugged his own off.

          “And you’re sure she’ll be jealous?” James asked for the umpteenth time as Sirius pulled on the new robes.

          “ _Yes_ , stop asking that. Have you seen how she’s been looking at you? Whole new light, I promise.” He didn’t mention _why_ she’d been seeing him differently. Neither of them wanted to think about what had happened between her and Sirius, and Sirius still hadn’t told him what he’d accidentally let slip to Lily.

          James nodded jerkily and glanced toward the entrance to the corridor. “Just hurry up, alright? She’ll be coming down here any second, I saw her leaving Gryffindor Tower while we were a few flights below her.”

          “Give me a minute, alright?” said Sirius, tugging unhappily, on his now fire-red hair, falling in curls past his shoulders. “I’m suddenly a Lily lookalike and it’s very uncomfortable.”

          “Look, this is the only redhead I could find in Hogsmeade,” said James.

          Sirius looked down at his new body, then struck a ridiculous pose. “I knew you already wanted me,” he said, making a kissy face as his friend.

          James ignored him, choosing to maneuver him back against the wall rather than deign that with a response.

          “Oh no,” said Sirius, flipping them over so that he hovered over James. God, this was the most uncomfortable thing he’d ever done. “If I have to be the girl, I’m going to dom the shit out of you.”

          “Padfoot—”

          “Shut up, mate. You swore you’d shut up.”

          James nodded. They stood there, staring at each other, too close for either of their comfort, until someone came around the corner, and she must have gotten sidetracked because it was nearly fifteen minutes later. Sirius wasn’t willing to make the same mistake for a third time—he ascertained that she had brilliant red hair and the correct face before he closed his eyes and slammed his mouth down onto James’s.

          Correction. _This_ was the most uncomfortable thing he’d ever done. It was a horrible kiss to boot, both of them too sharply aware of who was on the other end for either to enjoy it. It was hard but close-lipped and Sirius just kind of stood still until he heard books clattering to the ground. He looked up and backed away and resisted the urge to wipe off his mouth.

          “James?” asked Lily weakly. It was the first time Sirius had ever heard her use his first name. He took that as a good sign. As long as his hunch was right. It wouldn’t hurt if she was the jealous type, a potentially problematic hitch in the plan that he hadn’t even considered until that very moment.

          James seemed to be having the same thought. “Uh, Lily, I—This isn’t what it looks like—”

          Lily’s face clouded over with anger, and oh yeah, she was _definitely_ the jealous type. She strode forward, ignoring her spilled belongings, and shoved him in the shoulder. He fell back against the wall with a look of pure terror, and Sirius took the opportunity to flee around the corner.

          Lily screamed. A lot. Sirius could only hear her part of the conversation, and James was apparently answering her accusations quietly, either finally cowed by her righteous shrieking or just trying to calm her down.

          “You chase after me for _seven years_ and just as I’m coming around you go off and snog someone else where I _know_ you know I pass every bloody day—”

          “James Potter, do _not_ tell me to calm down—”

          “You couldn’t even find someone different, fuck, that girl even _looked_ like me! Are you really that _insane_ , are you really that _petty_? Excuse you, but what is the _matter_ with you?”

          The row went on for well over half an hour. Well, it was less of a quarrel and more just Lily shouting herself hoarse, James unable to get in more than a few words edgewise.

          Finally, just as the Polyjuice Potion was starting to go, Lily quieted down. Not completely, of course, but James managed to break in.

          “Lily, that was Sirius!”

          There was a long moment of silence.

          “W-what?”

          “That was _Sirius_ ,” said James. “I just did it to make you jealous. And he’s so fucking daft I’d bet he’s still hiding around the corner listening to everything we say. Aren’t you, Padfoot?” he called, slightly louder.

          “Yeah, I’m here,” Sirius sighed, slouching around the corner and into view.

          Lily stared at him—definitely back to a _him_ , changed into his regular robes and all—and then back to James. They allowed her a solid minute to absorb the complete absurdity of the situation before interrupting her bewilderment.

          “Have you really been coming around to me?” asked James.

          No response.

          “Evans, you gotta say something eventually,” said Sirius, leaning back against the wall next to James. “Even if it’s just that Prongs is the biggest tosser you’ve ever met. God knows I think so.”

          James shoved him in the arm. Sirius shoved him back, and they were caught up in a minor tussle for a few seconds before Lily reached over, pushed Sirius to the side, and yanked James down to kiss her.

          “I hate you,” she pulled away to say, shoving James backwards into the wall. Then she pulled him in again, still muttering, “I hate you, I hate you.”

          Sirius started to laugh. James glared at him, but Lily barely took time away from attacking his face to reach into her pocket and grab her wand. She flicked it in Sirius’s direction so that he was hoisted up by the ankle in a horrible reflection of what they’d done to Snivellus back in fifth year. Upside-down with his robes falling over his head and Lily slowly working off his trousers with the _Mobilivestes_ charm with which James had also threatened Snape, Sirius had plenty of time to reflect on how much he loathed nonverbal spells.

          When she had apparently decided that she was done kissing James for the time being, she finally let Sirius fall. Well, he crashed. He glared at her as he straightened his robes and then snatched his trousers out of her hands, and James was too busy looking both dazed and deliriously happy to be of any use. Muttering darkly, Sirius started to pull his clothes back on just as someone else came around the corner into the corridor.

          “Uh—”

          “Moony! Fuck!” Sirius shouted in quick succession as he stumbled on his own pant legs and fell over into the wall. “This isn’t what it looks like!”

          He supposed, with James’s arm around Lily’s waist, his delirious expression, Lily’s obviously just-kissed mouth, and Sirius disheveled and wearing no trousers, it did look pretty bad.

          “I’ll go,” said Remus.

          “Wait! Fuck!” Sirius called, but he had already gone. Sirius cursed and turned back to the other two. He had finally managed to button all of his clothes back into place and he just spread his hands, looking lost.

          Lily arched an eyebrow and stared at him. James was still too out of it to bestow any words of wisdom.

          They stood there, each frozen in their various positions, for a very long time. Eventually, however, as the bustle of students going to class began to sound from outside, and the chatter of people reached their ears, they all began to laugh.

          “Can we agree never to talk about any of this ever again?” asked Lily.

          “Agreed,” the boys said.

 

~*~

 

“She started going out with him in seventh year,” said Remus, a small smile gracing his scruffy, tired face.

          “Once James had deflated his head a bit,” Sirius added.

          “And stopped hexing people just for the fun of it,” said Remus.

          “Even Snape?” asked the bespectacled boy in the fireplace.

          It had been years and years since James and Lily had gotten together, and Sirius had all but forgotten about the mess they had all made of each other, seventeen and careless. He’d forgotten a lot of things about his best friend, he supposed: the way he ruffled his hair, how he would steal snitches from the quidditch shed just to impress red-haired girls with acid tongues, how he would bring leftovers from his mother’s gift baskets down to the kitchens for the house-elves to enjoy. How he and Lily had gotten together. He supposed they _had_ agreed never to speak of it again. Even Remus was still under the impression that some strange threesome had occurred in the corridor that afternoon.

          After Harry was properly reassured and had left the fireplace, Sirius sat back on his heels, smiling to himself, his anger about Snape fading, making room for the kind of ache that always accompanies nostalgia.

          Remus settled a hand on his shoulder to divert his attention. “What are you grinning about?”

          Sirius shook his head. “Nothing important,” he said.

**Author's Note:**

> Unusquisque in ludicrous primam = “each must mimic the original”  
> Mobilivestes = something like "move clothes"


End file.
